I’ve been re-reading Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. If you’re leading a business, building partnerships, or managing high-stakes conversations, it deserves a place on your reading list. Voss was the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator, and whilst your day-to-day challenges may be less dramatic, the principles hold up remarkably well in commercial life.

One concept in particular has stayed with me: the idea that not all “yes” responses mean the same thing. Voss identifies three distinct types of yes, and understanding the difference between them can be the difference between momentum and inertia.

The three types of yes

1. The Affirmative Yes
This is intellectual agreement. It’s the “yes” you get when someone follows your logic, understands your point, or acknowledges that what you’re saying makes sense. It’s not a commitment — it’s a nod of recognition.

Scenario: You’re presenting a proposal to streamline reporting processes across the business. The Finance Director listens carefully and says, “Yes, I can see how that would save time.” They’re affirming the logic of your argument. They’re not yet saying they’ll fund it, champion it, or implement it.

2. The Commitment Yes

This is the yes that moves things forward. It’s a decision. It involves action, resources, or consequence. When someone gives you a commitment yes, they are taking ownership of the next step – whether that’s signing a contract, allocating budget, or making an introduction.

Scenario: Same conversation with the FD. This time, they say, “Yes, let’s put this into the Q2 plan. I’ll get Finance to allocate £30k and we’ll review progress in May.” That’s commitment. It has a timeline, a resource, and accountability.

3. The Counterfeit Yes

This is the “yes” that really means “no” — or more often, “I want this conversation to end.” It’s polite deflection. It buys time. It avoids confrontation.

Scenario: You’re speaking with a prospective client about a diagnostic project. They’ve been nodding along. At the end, they say, “Yes, this all sounds really useful. Let me discuss it with the board and get back to you.” You never hear from them again. That was a counterfeit yes – a courteous exit, not a genuine agreement.

The real danger: mistaking affirmative for commitment

Most people worry about spotting the counterfeit yes. And fair enough — it’s frustrating to chase ghosts. But in my experience, the bigger risk in business is mistaking an affirmative yes for a commitment yes.

I’ve made this mistake more than once.

The meeting goes well. The idea is well received. You hear, “Yes, that makes sense.” You leave thinking you’ve got agreement. But weeks pass. Nothing moves. No decisions are made. No resources are freed up. The project you thought was greenlit never materialises.

This is rarely about deception. More often, it’s about misreading the nature of the agreement you’ve secured. Someone can intellectually agree with your proposal whilst having no intention – or no authority, or no budget, or no urgency – to act on it.

The affirmative yes feels like progress. But if you confuse it with commitment, you’ll build plans on sand.

When culture complicates the picture

This dynamic gets amplified when you’re working across cultures. In some business environments, a direct “no” is uncomfortable or even disrespectful. Agreement in principle is offered to preserve the relationship and avoid confrontation. The real decision happens elsewhere, often behind closed doors.

Scenario: You’re pitching a partnership to a senior leader in a Southeast Asian market. They listen attentively, ask thoughtful questions, and say, “Yes, I think this could work well for us.” You leave confident. But over the ensuing weeks, follow-up becomes difficult. Responses are polite but vague. Eventually, the opportunity fades.

What happened? In many cases, that initial “yes” was affirmative — perhaps even genuine interest — but not a commitment. The decision-making process may involve consensus-building you’re not privy to. The leader may lack the authority to commit unilaterally. Or they may have been signalling interest without endorsing action.

If you misread that as a commitment yes, you risk investing time, effort, and expectation into something that was never truly agreed.

What to do about it

Don’t let cynicism creep in – attempt to get clarity.

Test for commitment. When you think you’ve got a yes, check what kind it is. Ask questions that reveal intent:

• “What would need to happen for us to move forward on this?”
• “Who else needs to be involved in the decision?”
• “What’s a realistic timeline for next steps?”

If the answers are vague or deflective, you probably have an affirmative yes at best.

Look for action, not agreement. Commitment shows up in behaviour, not words. Does the yes come with a date, a name, a next step, a resource allocation? If not, treat it as conditional.

Give permission to say no. This is one of Voss’s core techniques, and it’s powerful. By making it easy and safe for someone to say no, you often get more honesty. Try: “Is now a bad time for this?” or “Would it be completely unreasonable to expect a decision by the end of the month?” People relax when they’re not being cornered. And a real no is far more valuable than a counterfeit yes.

Adjust for context. If you’re operating in a culture where direct refusal is uncommon, don’t force it. Instead, listen for nuance. Pay attention to what isn’t being said. Watch for signals — hesitation, conditional language, the involvement (or absence) of key stakeholders.

A final thought

In leadership, sales, and strategy, we often talk about “getting to yes.” But not all yeses are created equal. The affirmative yes tells you your thinking is sound. The commitment yes tells you something will happen. And the counterfeit yes tells you nothing at all.

The skill is knowing which one you’re hearing — and acting accordingly.

If you’re building a pipeline, negotiating terms, or trying to secure buy-in for change, this distinction matters. Because progress doesn’t come from agreement in principle. It comes from commitment in practice.

And the leaders who understand the difference tend to waste a lot less time.

If you found this useful, you might also enjoy Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury, and Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson et al. Both offer practical frameworks for navigating high-stakes dialogue with clarity and confidence.